I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
