I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
