I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
