So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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