Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
