after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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