I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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