I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
