There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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