Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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