Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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