Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
