Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
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Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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