Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
