**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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