i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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