Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
