By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
