Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
