remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Randomize
