she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
