I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
