4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
