My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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