A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
