Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
