I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
