thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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