you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
