Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
