How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
