finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
