Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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