Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
