i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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