im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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