so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
