Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
