Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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