i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
