I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
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