I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
