rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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