Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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