how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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