I am spending my child support on dildos
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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