I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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