omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
