If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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