Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
