chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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