Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
