So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
