I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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