anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
