just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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