I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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