come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?