Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.